Inferior Imitator

ep·i·gone n. A second-rate imitator or follower, especially of an artist or a philosopher.

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

It didn't take much to placate me. When I got home from teaching, Mike and Max were just about ready to go eat at the Wig & Pen, so I got an invitation to go with. Mike was not very talkative about it, but he got the job. He is very torn on whether or not he wants to accept it. There's really nothing I can do to help him make the decision, so I'm going to keep quiet until/if he's ready.

Small world story: while we at the W&P, one of Max's friends/former co-workers called and he invited her to join us. She was asking where I was from, and I said, "Small town, about 30 miles away."

"Which one?"


"Get. Out! I'm from Wilton!"

Turns out she graduated about five years before I did. We had a wonderful time reminiscing. We didn't know each other, but we know the same people and places and traditions. Kind of like old war buddies. ;) Poor Mike and Max. They were so left out. It's alright. I've been in the same position with the two of them.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

I didn't go over, because I had no idea if he was home yet or not. I left my truck out and my front door open, so he would know I was home, when he came home or if he bothered to look outside. Maybe I should have gone over, just to ask if he was home yet, but I really felt like it was his responsibility to come find me, since he was supposed to call and didn't and how the hell was I supposed to know he was home and if he was, was he ready to talk to me?

You guys know I'm a pretty easy-going person. It takes a lot to faze me. I'm angry. I'm pissed and upset and hurt and I'm angry.

I expected the hurt of him leaving or the hurt of his disappointment. I didn't expect the hurt of him not telling me or not wanting to see me when he got home. I know he's going through a lot right now, but I don't think it's too much to expect for him to be considerate of my feelings. All I needed was a "Hi, I'm home, I got the job/I didn't get the job, I will talk to you about it at such-and-such a time in the future." I am easily placated. Just take the fucking time to do it.

I didn't want to be angry. I wanted to be supportive and understanding. I wanted to be there for him, whichever way things turned out, and he knew that. It makes me feel like, "My support must not mean that much to you, so why should I bother?"

It will probably only take hearing his side of the story for this to blow over, but for now, I don't seem to be important enough to be told anything.

Monday, June 28, 2004

Weekend Update

No news from Mike. I'm hoping he just forgot my phone number. We don't have them programmed into phones because we just run next door if we need to say something, and I wrote it down for him Wednesday night. He was going to pack Thursday morning before his 7:00 a.m. flight (I told him!) and it's very likely it got lost in the bustle. I hope. The second most likely scenario is that he didn't get the job and is upset, but I don't even want to think about that.

Friday night Kristen, Todd and Tacia came over for Pokey sticks and an 80's/90's game marathon. Never again. The marathon. It took us almost 5 hours to do both games. Five hours.

Sunday was my cousin Justin's graduation, and I recruited a lot of my family for a work day this Saturday, to get the bulk of the work on the rental unit done. It will also be somewhat of a housewarming party, too, since not everyone is going to be able to work, and I like a festive atmosphere. Food will be provided. So friends are welcome.

I recruited Max to replace the staircase, and he will be coming up with a bid for that. My mom said she would lend me whatever extra money I needed to finish the repairs. I'm just going to go ahead and do all of it, even though the list of violations the City sent me did not include everything that they had talked about. They will have to be fixed eventually, so I figure it will be easier to do it all at once, while I have the help, and not have to worry about it again. So I'm in good shape, I think.

I like having people who can and are willing to help me. Having my family makes life so much easier. I can't express how grateful and blessed I feel to have these people in my life. All the people I know whose families are obstacles instead of support...I can't help but feel pity for them. It makes me want to share - to say, here, come be a part of my family, not every family is like that. You'll like it here, with us. Feel as loved as I do.

Friday, June 25, 2004

There are Caramel Kisses in the candy jar by the coffee pot this morning. I've already had at least 10. They don't carry them everywhere, and it's been a long time since I've had them. I think it's been that bag I ate after we bought candy for the pinatas. It's probably a good thing you can't find them just anywhere.

Mike did not call, so it's possible one of us misunderstood the timeline of when he would know if he got the job, but it is still nervewracking. All the possibilities of what could have gone wrong are popping up in my head, and it's making me nervous.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Yeah, I'm a Dork

Since I knew he was feeling really nervous about the interview, I did something pretty dorky and hokey and probably another couple -ey words. I put together a box of items I found in my junk drawer, and attached little tags with messages on them. The box was entitled, "Amanda's Top Ten Reasons Mike Is Going To Kick Ass In His Interview." I put in things like: an old key "Because Mike is a self-starter", a poker chip, "Because when you bet on Mike, your gamble will always pay off", a golf ball "Because Mike will fight through the hazards to reach his goal"...all goofy little stuff like that. He didn't open it while I was there - I told him to open it when he was feeling especially nervous. He did express appreciation for my support, so I'm glad I did it.

Hopefully, he thinks it's thoughtful instead, although he's bound to find out I'm a dork eventually, so it may as well be now.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

I received a forward from Marianne this morning with an illustration of what I was talking about yesterday. It's amazing the timing these things sometimes have:

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Wal-Mart. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Wal-Mart.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said.

"What?" Mom asked.

"Let 's run through the rain!" She repeated.

"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain,"

"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.

"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

"This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?"

"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!'"

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.

Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If God lets us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

He flies out early tomorrow morning for an interview the same day, and then will be gone until early next week. He will find out tomorrow if he got the job or not, and if he does, he needs the time to find a place to live, etc. I'm pretty much to the point now that I really want him to get this job, even if it takes him away, because he wants it so much. We talked last night about the grander scheme of things, why he was brought here, why he needs this opportunity. He said, basically, "Living here hasn't been the best experience for me. But other people in my life are better off because I was here for them: my sister is out of a bad situation, my dad got the help he needed..."

"And me," I added. He grinned (and I think I saw a bit of a blush).

I said, "The people in your life can't always be enough to make you happy if you think you're headed in the wrong direction in your life. You have to do what is best for you, and maybe taking this job will eventually bring you back to the people you love and then you have it all." And that's all I can really hope for. I'm going to run through the rain, and I'll probably get wet, but only because I need washing.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

I'm pretty sure that Angel would never be able to lose his soul by having sex after that first time with Buffy. Which really screws up the entire plotline for Season 4's Awakening, but that's not my point today. My point is, that he would be unable to forget that at any time he could lose it all, and never be able to experience true happiness due to that knowledge.

Which is how I'm feeling now. I can't forget that at any time now, I could lose it all. Last night, we watched Batman after I got home. I couldn't just sit there and watch the movie, I was concentrating on remembering the moment: how it felt to sit next to him, to hold his hand, to listen to him breathe. It presses on me as urgent to remember these things, these simple things, these things I might otherwise take for granted.

Beneath it all, I am bracing. Impact imminent. I am remembering the little things, because it's the little things that I enjoy the most, and what may have to carry me through. I just found him, why does he have to be taken away from me so quickly? The only thing I can do is trust in God's Plan. If he goes, we either weren't meant to be and this was just a wonderful moment in time, or we survive it together, stronger. And if he stays, if he stays...

Monday, June 21, 2004

Mike is becoming more and more frustrated with his situation here. I'm not going to go into all the details, but living with his dad is starting to get to him, and his job is also a source of frustration. This weekend, he is going to Wyoming to interview for another job. There are many reasons he would like to stay, but too many other things would have to change in short order for him to do that. I half-heartedly agree with him. I want to fix it, make it all better for him, and I can't.

One of the things we talked about this weekend was our high school experiences. We couldn't have been more different. It boggles my mind, really. If we had met back then, I wouldn't have touched him with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole, and pretty much the same for him. It's amazing how much we've both changed in the intervening time to be people the other finds good company. I found it very sweet when he offered to beat up Trevor Sheeley for me, who beat me out for valedictorian by a thousandth of a grade point. I'm still bitter about that. ;)

I watched another NASCAR race Sunday (mom was also very surprised about the dog/NASCAR toleration), then we went our separate ways to spend Father's Day with our dads. We cooked brats over a fire and made smores. I love sitting around a campfire, and we reminisced about past camping trips. Dad dropped the inside of one of his marshmallows on the ground, and then complained about getting grass in his mouth when he tried to pick it up and eat it. What a maroon.

I just got some of the Best. News. Ever! I'm not sure yet I'm allowed to tell, but I'm just so excited I had to share!

Thursday, June 17, 2004

I am very content. It would be nice if my evenings weren't so full, but that's the choice I made. Who knew I would meet someone that I would want to spend all my time with? It's become a habit now to go over to Mike's as soon after I get home as possible. Last night, after Uncle Tim and family went home, I took my papers over there and graded homework while they ate a late dinner. (Uncle Tim has some thinking to do, and will present my options to me at a later date.) Mike walks me home and every night before he turns to go, he kisses my hand and I can't help but think there's a good chance I'm going to fall in love with him. Which is a bittersweet thought, because there's a chance he's going to leave the state for a better job opportunity. Part of me hopes he doesn't get the job so he'll stay, and I feel horrible about it because this job would bring him so much closer to his career goals.

But right now, I'm enjoying the time we spend together. He is just an amazing person and he sees me the same way.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Best. Last. Words. Ever.

We regret to announce the disturbing demise of Amanda, who on the 2nd of October of this year was savagely ground to powder by an angry cow. This unfortunate incident occurred in a sewer pipe on the Island of Tihi. The deceased was reported to have shouted "Zounds! I am undone!" just before expiring. Amanda is survived by Gladys Happyfoot, a trained chimpanzee. Funeral services will be held the 19th of next month.

Click here for your own obituaray

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Yeah, this sounds expensive. The building inspector had lots of helpful suggestions (did you read the sarcasm there? well, 'suggestions' is sarcastic - it was helpful, just not the deadline I now have to get them done). If I didn't have people who knew about this kind of stuff, I would be in a major panic about now:

1) The tenant needs to be able to control their own heat. I have to replace the window air conditioner anyway, and he suggested that I look into a combination heating/cooling unit.

2) Because there is the air conditioner in the window, the bathroom has no ventilation. Maybe if we can put the new unit into the wall somehow, I can use the window for ventilation and avoid having to put in a fan.

3) I need another outlet in the main living area, and the other one should probably be moved, since it's practically in the ceiling.

4) The tenant also has no access to the fuses, since they're in the basement. Pretty much my two options are to either move the fuse boxes into the upstairs or put a stronger door to my kitchen to give the tenant access to the basement.

5) The exhaust duct from the water heater needs to go at an upwards angle, and some pipe added for something or another. I wasn't following the pipe thing too closely, but I know where it goes.

6) I'm going to have to replace the stair unit that goes to the upstairs. Repairs could probably be made, but it will be a whole heck of a lot easier to just replace it now. Which I was planning to do anyway, I suppose.

7) I may have to install a stove as well. It would probably have to be gas, because there's a good chance the electrical system wouldn't be able to handle the load for an electric. That was in my long-term plan, too, but they're going to check on the legal requirement to see if I have to do it now.

8) They have to come back out today to do some measurements for the duct system. I'm a little peeved that this couldn't be done yesterday, since I have to come home again to let them in.

Uncle Tim and family are planning on coming up tomorrow night to help me sort this out. Uncle Tim has a plumbing/electrical/HVAC business, and he offered to walk through with me before I bought the place anyway. Mike also volunteered to help, and I can probably count on Dad, too. Hopefully, this can all get done within budgetary reason, and I'll probably feel better once I have a better idea of what I'm looking at, but for now, I'm a bit nonplussed, especially since I don't even have a tenant yet.

Monday, June 14, 2004

I switched to Blogger comments, because I realized that Haloscan doesn't keep comments after so many days. If you don't have a Blogger Blog, just post anonymously, and sign your name at the bottom of your comment.

I am a homeowner. All that crap I went through was worth it. I signed all the papers Friday afternoon, and all the joys and headaches of homeownership and landlorddom are mine. First of all comes the building inspection later this morning. She will come tell me all the things I have to fix in order to keep my rental permit. Hopefully not many. Cross your fingers!

Mike took me out to dinner Friday night to celebrate, and reiterated his offer to help with some of the maintenance things, which was very sweet of him. We also celebrated the leakage of the information that I will be receiving a promotion at work. No longer a lowly Associate, I will be a Senior Associate. All the extra responsibilities I've been taking on have paid off. It's very nice to be recognized, and the pay raise will definitely come in handy.

Max bought a boat, so we went with him and Mike's sisters out on the Res Saturday afternoon. It's been quite a while since I've been out on a boat, and it was very fun putting the boat through it's paces. After my seat broke off the floor (one of the things they will have to fix - hee!) I stood near the front of the boat with the wind in my face. It reminded me how much I want a motorcycle. Went to the Wig & Pen afterwards. Sun and water make you hungry and tired.

Sunday we just hung out. Mike happens to be a NASCAR fan, so for the first time in my life, I sat down and watched one of these things. I remember we always used to make Dad turn down the sound when he would watch a race. Now I'm actually watching one. I did take a nap through part of it, though my wake up call was a face full of snot from Oswald. One of the many reasons I don't enjoy dogs. Earnhardt Jr.'s his driver, but he went to high school with Jimmie Johnson, so he cheers for both. Dogs, NASCAR...I must really like this guy. :)

Then we went to dinner at his mom's (his parents divorced last year) and I took him over to meet Kristen and Todd and we sat and chatted for a little while. That was my weekend. Somewhat tiring, but fun.

Friday, June 11, 2004

Mission accomplished.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

I had dinner at Mike's again last night. If Chelsea hadn't parked behind the bushes when she dropped me off after TKD, she might have gotten a look at him. He was on the deck, grilling, so I went over to say hi and he invited me for supper. Both of his sisters were there, so I met them: Sarah is 16 and also lives there, and Erin is 25 and lives somewhere around here, but works for the same company as Mike. It was kinda nice, eating with a family again, and to know that my family is not the only one who talks about revolting things at the dinner table when guests are present. It makes me feel a little less uncivilized, you know?

He chickened out on kissing me. I will have to work on encouraging him.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Class went well, I think. I didn't have too many glazed eyes, and questions were asked. Good questions, not that I didn't explain something well, but more in-depth questions. I was pleased. I am however, wondering how exactly to fill four hours. I don't want to go the full four hours, but I finished relatively early last night, and we went through two chapters. We didn't have homework to go through, which will make a large difference, I suppose.

No boy news. I was leaving for work yesterday morning as he was pulling out of the driveway, and I waved, and he grinned and waved back, and that's about it. I'm thinking I need to run over tonight to touch base, I don't want him to feel I'm ignoring him, when I'm really just busy.

This is only Wednesday? I'm toward the "wiped" end of the energy spectrum. I'm starting to remember what college felt like: go, go, and go some more. I don't feel overwhelmed yet, which is good. But keeping up this pace is going to do horrible things to me. I'm getting too old for this.

Monday, June 07, 2004

"I am in a conventional dither, with a conventional star in my eye."

I had a wonderful weekend. Saw Prisoner twice. The second time I fell asleep, but I'm blaming it on mild heat exhaustion, with the headache and nausea and the working outside during the "heat" of the day. Heat exhaustion sucks. Once you get it (which I did in high school), you're susceptible ever after.

Okay, I can't remember much else except for spending the majority of the weekend with Mike. Mike is Max's son; Max bought the house to the south of me, and put that huge addition on and has been working on fixing up the house for the last year and a half. Mike moved out here a couple months ago to help his dad finish the house and to take a job in Cedar Rapids. I hadn't met him until he came over to check out my limestone wall project. Saturday he invited me over to take a tour of the house since they finally moved in last weekend, and most stuff is finished. The house looks vastly different. I knew it had potential, and it's absolutely georgeous.

We ended up talking for two hours, until he had to leave for a family obligation (and I was going to leave to go see HP in an hour as well). I ended up getting myself invited over for coffee Sunday morning, and we sat on the porch and talked for three and a half hours. I also accepted an invitation to supper, so I had supper over there as well. Mike walked me back to my house, and he kissed my hand. How sweet and old-fashioned! I like him. I even like his dog, and you guys know how I feel about dogs.

In other news: Serenity release date announced

Friday, June 04, 2004

Off to see Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban in a little less than an hour. So excited!

Now for the eternal question: Junior Mints or Sour Patch Kids?

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Things I've Learned Recently
  • The Family Guy has been picked up for new seasons
  • The new season of Alias will not start until January
  • It is difficult to improperly pronounce a silent 's' in email
  • Both 'crab rangoon' and 'crab rangoons' are proper pluralizations for 'crab rangoon'
  • Grilling potatoes is a lot harder than Josh makes it look
  • I am not above making up excuses to go outside in hopes of running into cute neighbors
  • It's a lot easier to make your bed while you're still in it
  • No matter how strong your willpower is to keep candy out of the house, you will still have the ingredients for cookie dough

If you're interested in the continuing debate on the plural of "crab rangoon", click here.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

My weekend was very productive, yet relaxing. Friday I got home and played a lot of Tetris, then went and filled out employment forms at Kirkwood. I got home and mowed the lawn, since it was supposed to rain all weekend. I started trimming the ground plants by the driveway, and I noticed parts of the limestone wall were being pushed out by the roots, so I tore parts of the wall out and removed some of the dirt so I could reposition the limestone wall. My neighbor came over to check out my project (I had limestone slabs and piles of dirt all over my driveway) and I just had to laugh, "This started out as trimming the plants." I eventually got it put back together about 8:00 p.m.; there were only three slabs that I couldn't figure out where they went. If I had been smart, I would have organized my tear-down so I knew what went where, but it ended up looking good, so no harm no foul. I continued my project Saturday by getting flowers planted. I think I bought entirely too many. I didn't quite realize there where twenty plants to a flat, and bought two flats of marigolds, one of salvia, plus impatients, begonias and geraniums. I ended up just planting some of them a little closer together than recommended.

Yesterday I picked up the house and spring cleaned/rearranged my room. I now have my bed against the south wall, which makes the room look less crowded, and now if I want to put window dressings on the windows, it won't look overwhelming. I'm glad I got the room clean, at least. I had dust bunnies under my bed the size of the Monty Python rabbit. Good thing I'm not allergic to dust. However, the spare bedroom is now a huge mess. I'm going to try and tackle that closet next. I will get organized! I even made my bed this morning!

Other than that, I finished watching Season 6 of Buffy on DVD. I don't know what it is, but I appreciate it more on subsequent viewings. I think it's because I understand the emotions more. It is really an emotional season, and more about character development than any Big Bad. One of the extra features was entitled "Season Six: Life as the Big Bad" and I hadn't realized that before for some reason, so that kind of resonated with me. That and I got to watch OMWF for the first time. Yay! "Every single night, the same arrangement..."

How much do you want to bet Chelsea just sang along to that last line?