My relationship with Emily has always been...complicated. If there was anything in my life that I regret or feel ashamed of, it's the completely horrible way I have treated, and somehow, continue to treat her. I have absolutely no clue why. My actions have never supported the way I love her. It's like, no matter what I say to her, how I treat her, how selfish I am with her, no matter how angry she gets with me, she will always still love me.

I took out a lot of frustrations out on her, especially when I still lived at home. School tended to be a nightmare for me, socially, and when I got home, Em took the brunt of it. The things I said, the way I made her feel...I am not that kind of person. I don't want to be that kind of person.

I don't know why she still has anything to do with me, let alone ask me to be her maid of honor. I am honored beyond belief, partly because it shows me that I haven't done irreparable damage to our relationship. Then I go and do something like try and choose my friends over her, and I've done it again. I be selfish and hurt her feelings, and I do my best to try and justify it, all the while feeling guilty because I've fallen back into the same old habits after telling myself, 'Never again'.

Emily is the strongest person I know. When she's happy, it's infectious. When she laughs, you can't help but laugh, even if you don't know what she's laughing about. When she's down, it's also infectious. When she's sad, the whole world is sad, and all you want to do is to make her feel better. There's no half way with Emily. When she loves you, she loves you wholly, and when she's mad at you, you'd best just stay out of her way. You can't tell Emily she can't do something, because she'll do it just to prove you wrong. There is now a pizza-eating competition tradition after State Marching Band, solely because someone told Emily she couldn't possibly eat more pizza than Russell Allen. Many a band student has puked because of her obstinacy. I think it's that obstinacy that has got her through all her health problems. She has the gravity of a person who has had to deal with that, but she doesn't let it show.

I suppose in a way, her leaving will be good, because it will be a lot harder to hurt her from far away. But I will miss her laugh, the one that makes me happy the way nothing else does.