Sonia is the oldest of the cousins. Sonia is three years older than I am; Rachael and Cassie are both one year older, and then me. The next oldest cousin is Jacob, then Emily, Lew, and Nicole. Sonia was the ringleader. It was usually she who came up with the ideas, and the rest of us followed. It was her idea to make a swing out of the hook that hung from a pulley in Grandpa’s barn, that I fell off of and ripped the back of my thigh open. It was her idea to follow the creek behind our house as far back as we could go, and she pulled the leeches off my ankles when we did. We did cool things, like follow the railroad tracks and build tree houses and catch tadpoles or fireflies. I worshipped Sonia. She decorated her locker at school with the neatest things she made out of paper, and we made ‘mailboxes’ and slipped letters to each other through the slats between classes. I had the most fun when she was around, especially when it was just us. I was her little buddy, her cohort in crime, and I felt special for the attention.

When Sonia chose to go to Pennsylvania to go to college, I felt betrayed. I felt like I was being left. The days of playing together had already come to a close, but I still felt a hole beginning to rip in our family. There was something missing when Sonia wasn’t there. School was still very hard for me, and my family was the bright spot in my life. It was when I could forget my troubles and be happy.

That hole became much bigger some years later when she became pregnant before marriage. That devastated her parents (my godparents). They lied about what was happening to Sonia for a while, and many feelings were hurt because of that. My godparents began withdrawing from the family, and eventually moved 60 miles away to Homestead. Things were never the same after that. The hurt feelings and absence of the people we loved made family gatherings less happy for me.

I think I blamed Sonia for it all, for choosing to go away, for making my godparents go away, for taking my biggest source of happiness out of my life. I was a bit devastated as well: my idol wasn’t perfect. She had done what I didn’t know could be done – she had challenged the beliefs we held so dear. At the time, I didn’t understand. I do now. There are things that I now believe or have ceased to believe as time wears on and I think for myself. Those things that seemed so important then no longer hold sway, and I didn’t know then that that could happen.

I admit being naive in my thinking, a little too unrealistic in my expectations, and at times too trusting. But it still shapes who I am and how I react. I know it’s illogical to take people’s leaving as abandonment, but again some of the happiness is being taken out of my life. Without Emily’s contagious laughter at the dinner table, jokes will be less funny. The only new clothes I’ve bought all year is my banquet dress, because Leah isn’t around to drag me shopping. And Monday night, tears welled up as I cut potatoes for grilling.

As much as I miss them, I know they miss me, too. And I am truly happy for them, following their dreams and reaching for their goals, and becoming what they were meant to be. And I’m learning to understand. I’ve got goals and dreams of my own. For right now, those goals include putting down roots in Iowa City. It will take something or someone pretty important to make me rip them out, but that possibility isn’t so remote, now that I know the world doesn’t end when the people I love are far away.