I'm still alive. Just really tired. I'm taking tomorrow off (except for needing to do church books), so hopefully that will help immensely.
I'll run back to Sunday, when I went to see Death of a Salesman:
It was as good as I thought it would be. Ron's got to be the best Willie Loman I've seen. I cried. It just breaks your heart to see a man work so hard his whole life to have it come to nothing. Or at least he feels it came to nothing. I remember studying the play for some Lit class - maybe it was high school - Em, do you remember studying it? It wasn't nearly so poignant then as it is now. I guess it's because I'm coming to a point in my life where I'm wondering if I'm chasing after the wrong dream.
I've got a good life. I've got an incredible family, a great job, and I'm making really good money. But it's not how I wanted it. I feel like a spoiled brat for being ungrateful and feeling like I deserve something else. I don't want to come to the end of my life and ask what it was all for. Life is a series of goals and accomplishments. You have to have both: you can't have purpose without hope and you can't have hope without purpose.
When my grandpa died, my biggest comfort was that I could see him living on through his family and their love for him. Knowing I might not ever have that as my legacy puts a damper on all the other great things I have going for me. Willie didn't die the death of a salesman. What will I die as?
posted by Amanda @ 5:34 PM
4 Antiphon:
There've been so many times when I've wondered if I would leave behind a worthwhile legacy of any kind.
But, there are so many little things we do in life that make such a difference... even if we don't realize it at the time.
To remind myself of that, I have a passage called Success (that was originally attributed to R.W. Emerson, but is now though to have been written by Bessie Stanley) hanging in my kitchen:
To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.
You're not alone. Except you're looking at whether you're on the right path when you're on it and doing well, and I'm wondering, when I've not even started yet [doh]. But I do feel life's slipping away from me.
And on that topic, I used to think I wanted a job that made a difference somehow- notjust bean office bunny (photocopying, post, answer phones) all my life. Because I know I can do better. But then, I realised that if I enjoyed being an office bunny, I could do it as a job, if I found something else in life, where I could make a difference- like volunteering.
You've done that house building thing- Habitat For Humanity was it? That made a big difference for someone! Remember the things you've done for people. Even holding a door open for someone or talking the time to smile and say hello to a stranger can lift their day. Success isn't always something we can measure.
I know exactly what you mean.
Are you still alive?
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