I've been finding lately that the things I need out of a friendship aren't necessarily the things the other people need out of a friendship. The disconnect is a little jarring, actually. I've been coming off as distant, when I've just been what I want out of a friend. I guess I've just assumed that if we're friends, we both want the same thing out of the relationship. This is the second person with which this has happened, and I'm wondering how many other people I've alienated, but they just didn't care as much to say something.
I don't know if this is just what I naturally am, or because that's what I've learned to be. Was I bullied because I was alienating, or am I alienating because I was bullied? There's anti-bullying legislation in the Iowa House right now, and it makes me wonder if things could have been different. If I'd had a way to tell someone what was happening to me. If someone had bothered to ask the right questions, would I have been able to answer them? I remember lying once to the doctor when I went because I was throwing up every day before school. "Is something bothering you at school?" "No." Part of it was in my head, I know. By then. By that time, I know I was seeing antipathy where there was only apathy because I was looking for it. So I lied. No one else had ever asked.
It doesn't matter now. I've long since come to terms, but it still shapes who I am. I certainly care if I hurt someone I care about, especially unintentionally. Is a friendship really a friendship if you have to change for them? If I don't want to change, does that make me a bad friend? Or are they bad friends for expecting me to be someone I'm not for them? There are probably no right or wrong answers, or at least as many answers as there are situations.
posted by Amanda @ 4:05 PM
5 Antiphon:
I can't say I was really bullied as a child. Left out, maybe, but never bullied. I wasn't exactly a popular kid. Most of my classmates knew of my mad tae kwon do skills and left me alone.
I have tried the working at a friendship thing and it didn't work despite all the work. I personally don't think you're distant, but then maybe I am distant. It's hard to say. My feeling is if you(and I don't mean you as in you but you as a general term for anyone) don't like how I am as a friend maybe you and I shouldn't be friends.
My feeling is, if you're friends with someone... they need to accept you, and the choices you make, at whatever point you're at in your life.
It breaks my heart to think about any child being bullied. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
Bullying is despicable. Some people grow up and realize how cruel their unthinkingly callous behaviour was; unfortunately, others don't, and that behaviour just continues through life. Very sad.
As for friendship. It's totally up to the individual what they want to bring to the table. If someone's friendship is important to you, it's worth making an effort to nurture it, but not if it means compromising who you are or draining yourself for someone else. And as Chelsea said: if what one's getting out of the relationship isn't acceptable and won't change, then perhaps that friendship isn't to be.
I am sure I replied to this the other day, but my comment must have gotten lost.
I ended several friendships in the last two years, and because of it I lost several more - people who couldn't understand that friendship is not always forever, and thought I was some kind of monster. It breaks my heart. I miss the friendships I lost, both intentionally and not. I am still amazed at how differently people can see a relationship from different sides.
Friendship is a hard thing. Like any relationship, it takes work. Friendships evolve and change constantly, and you give what you expect to get back. Sometimes there is a disconnect.
I'm rambling, and probably don't have a point. Forgive me.
I'm sorry you were bullied. No one should have to live with that kind of treatment.
I have to say this. I'm not asking you to change.
The Definition of a friend is when someone see you hurting they want to help you. I can understand about having the catharsis of throwing your thoughts out into the void, but don't expect people who care about you to say nothing. It reminds me of the scene from "Analyse This":
"Doc, I'm in pain. You gotta do something."
"Ok, what's the problem, how can help"
"F*** You DOC. No One helps PAUL Vitie"
(Paraphase because of space and time.)
I understand everyone has "friends" they drink with, "friends" they watch TV with, "friends" they hang with. But in reality those are aquantinces(sp). Friend are the ones you can count on to help you out, or slap some sense into you when you do something dumb, or listen to you when you pour out your heart. That's my $1.25 worth.
I'm sorry you were bullied, but try being the only black kid in an all white school in the 1970's. I had fights with entire grades. I spent so much time in the principle's office I had my own desk.
I don't think anyone in Iowa has since me truly enraged, like I was in my youth. Ask me about that sometime.
Sorry, about bullying. Do what I do and evision them being beaten or kicking thier collective dumb butts. Works for me.
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