Mindi asks, What did you think you'd be doing at age 29?


Me, I thought I'd be married with a couple of kids by now. But what I really thought was interesting was that Mindi didn't think she'd make it to 29. That got me to wondering how I'm going to die. I think I'm pretty convinced I'm going to die of cancer. There's a part of me that's convinced I have skin cancer, the hypochondriac part of me. I keep telling myself that I should find myself a GP that I like and get a physical. You know, since it's one of those things that you're supposed to do, but I keep putting it off. I see the girl doctor once a year, that should be enough for now, I justify.

The other part of me just doesn't want to know, one way or the other. Blissful ignorance, what you don't know can't hurt you, blah-blah-denial-cakes. I don't know that I care if my hypothetical cause of death is treatable or not. Does it matter if I prolong my life or not? My biggest life goal right now is getting that motorcycle. It's not really all that important, in the scheme of things, whether I accomplish it or not. It's not like I'm suicial or depressed or anything, I just got a big case of apathy going on, and this is how it's manifesting. Not really good timing, either, since it's evaluation time at work, and I'm not really caring about goals or performance or promotions or raises.

I'm sure I'd feel differently if I found out I actually had something. I think the apathy comes from the practical part of me, which knows the hypochondriac is ridiculous and I'm going to live a long, long time. Time to waste. I think about, sometimes, how my mom feels, pretty much knowing how she's going to die, if not when. She's the busiest person I know. But she's always been like that, so it really hasn't changed anything for her, except one extra thing that has to fit into her life. Or my sister, who knows all about denial, and who I'm sure has thought way more about this than I have.

When you do know how you're going to die, is life more precious, or is it the same, just different? We all know we're going to die. Some of us know how, few know when. I just don't want to feel like I'm wasting what I have. I don't want to be unappreciative, but a lot of the time I am, and I wish I could give it to someone who does appreciate it. They probably wouldn't allow selling it on eBay.

I think I'm going to go outside now and appreciate the weather. That's a start.