I'm pissed and I'm embarrassed and I'm upset and I'm not sure I want to be posting about this at all, but I've got to get it out of my head and this is the best way I know how to do it.
A couple weeks ago, I met a guy. Friend of a friend, sparks flew, kiss at the end of the night. Cut to where I find out he's married.
I'm feeling stupid, because now that I think on it, I did see a ring, but either it didn't register or I discounted it because he was speaking and acting very un-married. But mostly I'm really pissed, because obviously I would have cut the flirting off if I had known.
What upsets me the most is that he made me party to his unfaithfulness to his wife. It doesn't matter to me that I did it in ignorance; in fact, it makes it that much worse. Without my consent, I became something I never wanted to be, and that makes me feel violated. As the anger is fading, I'm starting to feel sick.
However much I tell myself to put the blame where it belongs, some of the guilt will stay with me. I become a little more cynical, a little less trusting, and I lose a little bit of something that I liked about myself. And it'll be just that much more difficult for the nice guy when he comes along.
Damn it.
posted by Amanda @ 9:14 PM
6 Antiphon:
Oh, I know this feeling. And even though you feel guilty, you shouldn't. HE'S the one who screwed up. HE'S the one who misrepresented himself. HE'S a dick. Don't let him win this one by putting you off of men in general. I'm pretty sure there are some good ones out there.
Ugh. I'm sorry. Does it help at all the I don't think it's your fault even a tiny bit?
Sweetie, I'm impressed with how true your moral compass is. Otherwise, you wouldn't feel sick about something that is completely NOT your fault.
I can't tell you not to feel bad. You do or you don't. However, I agree with Bradi, he's the dick and you're just so sweet and caring that his indescretion made you feel bad. And that makes me mad because sweet, nice women should be treasured and cherished not duped by some butthead lothario looking for a cheap thrill.
Oh, man. That sucks. I am so pissed off on your behalf.
i know all about becoming cynical and less trusting... you just have to remember that people like this anal dwelling butt monkey are the minority. yes, you'll be more cautious and maybe you'll doubt yourself a little more, but there isnt a reason to be cynical... i did that for a long time after, and i was miserable. allow you to forgive yourself. dont carry it with you. it was a mistake that you had little to no control over, and yes, you can look back and say "why didnt i see that?" remember hindsight is always 20/20. dont blame yourself. or if you nee to blame yourself for awhile, but you HAVE TO FORGIVE YOUR MISTAKES. the important thing is that you know it wont happen again.
Augh. No, it's not your fault at all. It's so much nicer to trust that someone is approaching a relationship on the same moral level as you - you shouldn't HAVE to check whether he's married if he's coming on to you. Wanker.
*squishes*
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