I finally got my body composition measured, and I’m 26.8% fat, which for my age puts me in the “average” category. At the low end of the average category, so I’m pretty close to ideal and thus happy to be average. It would have been nice to know what my percentage was back in February when I was 20 pounds heavier, but it’s probably safe to assume what I’ve lost is fat, so I would have been around 35% fat at the beginning of the year.
Although I’m very pleased with efforts and the results, it seems the psychological issues remain and in some cases have gotten worse. The worst problem is binging. I had it under control when I knew what my portion was, and if I ate more than the allotted portion, then I was off my diet. Now that I’m exercising regularly again, I know I need more than the portion I’m given, but I don’t know exactly how much more. So I have more food on hand for snacking, and once I start eating it’s difficult to stop. I’ve also been snacking when I’m not hungry or when I’m bored, and I know that’s bad and I feel guilty after I do it. I know I have an unhealthy relationship with food, and that I need to figure out how to separate eating and my emotions.
You'd think, from my obsession with weight and eating and working out, that I have some sort of goal in mind. I don't. Like the rest of my life, I'm in a "try this and see what happens" mode. Don't know if that's a healthy attitude or not. I can see changes in my body still, more definition, mostly, but not having goals also takes away the satisfaction of achieving goals.
One request: if you comment on this post, encouragement is going to be taken as platitudes, and I hate platitudes. Trainers at my gym are big on the "good job"s, and I want to roll my eyes every time I hear it. So far I've been able to ignore it, but one of these days I'm going to have to ask them to stop before I end up being rude. If my definition of "good job" does not match your definition of "good job", I hear your "good job" as a platitude and it means nothing to me and is in fact annoying.
Which I realize may come across as bitchy and unappreciative. If so, you can chalk it up to me sinking deeper into "ornery old curmudgeon"-hood, or PMS. Whichever you prefer.
Labels: body image
posted by Amanda @ 9:19 PM
7 Antiphon:
Since encouragement is, uh, discouraged, I'm leaving it at this: You and I are going to have a lot to talk about in L.A.
I fucking hate "Good job." If I ever say it, someone smack me. (The exception is saying it to Sammy - somehow I am totally sincere then, so it seems OK. But I try to limit it.)
I don't know...I might be willing to take a "good job" over "drop and give me 10 more." But then I'm very lazy like that.
The food/emotion relationship is tough. It's my problem as well, but to exacerbate it all, I don't KNOW how I'm feeling thus I can't really pin-point what will set off the foraging and snacking that inevitably happens. Getting in touch with feelings is hard. Especially when we're taught (or at least I was taught) that it's impolite to let it all hang out. I try to put a smiley face on everything and in doing so convince myself that everything is all smiley...when it might really be sucky. Oh and I'm pretty sure smiley and sucky are legitimate psychological terms.
I've got a similar food/emotions thing going on. Last week I found myself eating 3 grilled cheese sammiches while watching a show about a binge eater. *sigh* No answers, though. Not yet.
There is a FINE line between healthy obsession and destructive obsession. I am not suggesting anything, just pointing it out, because it is easy to slide into the opposite end of a destructive and unhealthy relationship with food and your body, and you dont even realize you're doing it.
Most fitness goals forcibly encourage specific goals. I think any "specific" goal will kill your desire. I'm currently attempting to maintain and increase my fitness level after starting on a sort-of program of my own design two years ago. My job now has a "wellness coach" service. That didn't do a whole lot for me. What I just focus on is the feeling I get after exercicing, or the feeling I get when I eat/drink too much. I like this, don't feel good about that. Lately it's been beer: I've been enjoying more than I should, and so now, I have to pull back a little. Or entirely. Maybe.
I think your blog is the one which has deserved a "Great job!" on more than one occasion because you've actually got on with it and lost the weight. Despite everything. It's not a platitude coming from me; it's genuine respect. And not a little envy. I truly wish I had your willpower. So you will bloody well take that compliment or I will have to bitch-slap you. (And as you're the TKD expert, you will win, but we won't dwell on that.) ;)
Seriously, I know how you feel. I don't think I will ever get on top of my food issues. *sigh*
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