Societal Norms

I am a firm believer that everyone grieves in their own way and there is no right or wrong way to do it. But the one thing that I can't get over is how we treat early pregnancy and miscarriage. It's the "norm" not to announce your pregnancy until after the first trimester. Having done both, it was not any more difficult to tell people about the miscarriage when they had known about the pregnancy than those who hadn't known. I can't say that I went out of my way to tell people, but I didn't really keep it a secret, either. By this time, though, it's been long enough that is kind of awkward to bring it up. I fully intended to tell my cousins at our girls' night last month, but I just couldn't find an appropriate time to bring it up. "Hey, guess what?" Yeah, not quite.

And it was hard at first, so I fully understand why people don't tell. There's not exactly a funeral to arrange to prompt us. But I was surprised by the number of women who came out of the woodwork to tell me that they had had a miscarriage too, and offer their comfort. My nurse at the hospital told me her first was a miscarriage and went on to have two healthy children. When I got back to work, a co-worker who asked if I was feeling better after a week out knew exactly what the stricken look that was my response was all about. She later apologized and almost teared up mentioned she had been through it twenty years before.

I had no idea miscarriages were so common. I don't know whether I would have been more prepared if I had known. Most likely not. But now I feel an urge to educate, *because* no one talks about it.

I've been frequenting an online support group for women who have miscarried, and there are so many threads asking for advice on how to deal with insensitive people. Sometimes, they are truly insensitive people, but most of the time, it's people who mean well, but they just don't have the framework to work in. You know what to say to people who have lost the elderly, or someone who was sick, but the loss of the unborn? People are more comfortable talking about abortion.

I lost my baby at two months. It doesn't seem long, but it was enough time to start dreaming, to start hoping, to start wondering about the person my child was going to be. The loss of the potential hit me harder than anything. I keep thinking about where I would be about now, what milestones I'm missing...August 15th (my due date) will be a very hard day for me. It doesn't matter if I will be pregnant again or not. It's THIS baby I will be missing.

I don't have a point to end this with. I can't say that there's something wrong with the societal norm, but I can't say that it's helped me, either.