Remembering What Wasn't

My expected due date was today. There should either be a baby in my arms or I should be huge and ready to go *any time now*. But I'm spending it barren. I knew it wouldn't take much to set me off today, but there's a gal in Collections next door finding out the sex of her baby next Friday, and a co-worker sent off an email setting up a contest to guess what it will be. I had to close my door and try to bawl silently. It's so hard to be quiet when all you want to do is wail.

It helps to have Joe's 30th birthday tomorrow to distract me. It's kind of a week-long celebration: we spent Sunday afternoon at his parents, with a cookout and ice cream cake. We'll do birthday sushi tomorrow (how fantastic is it that he adopted birthday sushi, too? Now I get birthday sushi TWICE a year!), and we'll get together with my parents sometime this weekend and dinner with Dave and Abby Saturday night. I'm pretty excited to give Joe his present, too. He wanted something "lasting" so instead of car parts, I picked something else out. I was worried it wouldn't get here in time, but it arrived last week, so the back up present I bought for him will be his Christmas present instead.

I called my OB/GYN, and since I'm 34 and it's been six months of actively trying to conceive, they're going to start the ball rolling with some of the easier tests to see if there's anything hindering our efforts. It doesn't even make sense, since we got pregnant so quickly before. But I don't want to waste any time if there's something else we could be doing, aside from obsessing over when I ovulate and taking my temperature all the time. I'll start with a blood test on the 30th, to test hormone levels. I don't know whether to hope for all clear, or hope something's wrong so they can treat it. What I REALLY hope, is that all it takes is complaining about it for something to happen and the blood test will say I'm pregnant instead.