Why Does It Have to Be So Hard?
My fourth round of medication has produced cysts in my ovaries. While this is a normal side effect of the medication, it means that I have to sit out a cycle. I was devastated. The doctor isn't putting me on birth control, but if I did get pregnant this month, I would just be extra worried about another miscarriage. I need time off from this emotional roller I've been on for the past year, but I can't seem to hang up my hopes, even for a little while.
I can't get away from triggers, either. My best friends had a baby, my co-worker had a baby, for fuck's sake I couldn't even watch Adventure Time last night because Lady was going to give birth! I want so much to be happy for them, and a part of me is, but it's overwhelmed by the part that's reminded of what I've lost and what I don't even know if I can have. My head says to be patient, we've only been medicating for four cycles, and we can keep trying, but it's hard to be patient when your heart has a hole in it.
posted by Amanda @ 4:38 PM
1 Antiphon:
I actually don't know how to stop trying. Like, what does that mean? Do I go on birth control? And then all those helpful people who say "just stop trying and it will happen" which makes me feel guilty, like I've never actually stopped trying and THAT is why I'm not pregnant. And the resentment is evil. Yes, there are babies and pregnant women *everywhere* and I'll find myself wanting to snap at them (the ladies, not so much the babies). And then the next up well meaning "oh, are you guys going to have another? Best get going, you don't want them too far apart."
But you are giving it a real go. You are putting it all out there and doing the drugs and taking the lumps that come with that course of action. By doing this, you'll know one way or another that you did what you needed to do. Shit. Or something like that. I suck at being inspirational.
Post a Comment
<< Home