#2

I've been mostly silent for the reason you've been thinking, but not anymore. In some ways, it was better and in others it was worse. I was prepared this time. "No heartbeat" is less shocking the second time around. We did get to see it once, though. The first ultrasound was at seven weeks instead of nine, and I got to carry around those pictures of a living baby for four weeks afterwards, even though the baby passed not long after they were taken. I had surgery again, though they only used twilight sleep instead of general anesthesia, so recovery was much quicker.

We told people this time around...the ones I would want support from if we had another loss. I was glad to get that chance to share some happiness with the people we love, even if we had to take it away again. It was most difficult to take the joy away from my mom...she was so looking forward to two grandchildren waiting for her at the end of her bone marrow transplant, and now there will be just the one again.

The doctor promised some extra testing for recurrent miscarriages, so maybe I'll have some answers. It's still hard to know whether to hope for something wrong that can be fixed, or that it was just "bad luck" and not likely to happen again. It's at least less likely that it will take us another year and a half to get pregnant again.

I've gotten through it before so I know I can do it again. There's just no reason I should have to.