Why Does It Have to Be So Hard?

My fourth round of medication has produced cysts in my ovaries. While this is a normal side effect of the medication, it means that I have to sit out a cycle. I was devastated. The doctor isn't putting me on birth control, but if I did get pregnant this month, I would just be extra worried about another miscarriage. I need time off from this emotional roller I've been on for the past year, but I can't seem to hang up my hopes, even for a little while.

I can't get away from triggers, either. My best friends had a baby, my co-worker had a baby, for fuck's sake I couldn't even watch Adventure Time last night because Lady was going to give birth! I want so much to be happy for them, and a part of me is, but it's overwhelmed by the part that's reminded of what I've lost and what I don't even know if I can have. My head says to be patient, we've only been medicating for four cycles, and we can keep trying, but it's hard to be patient when your heart has a hole in it.