Wherever You Find Love, It Feels Like Christmas

I've felt more in the Christmas spirit this week. Joe and I spent last weekend baking and cleaning and Christmas shopping and it was just a nice couple of days together. I'm very close to being ready. One more present to buy and a bunch of baking to do Saturday, then celebrations start and I can relax. I have one more batch of fudge to make, Christmas day dessert and I think I'm going to do two figgy puddings this year, one for Joe's family and one for mine. It's gotten destroyed the last two years, and I don't get enough!

I bookmarked a recipe for a peanut butter chocolate cake a while back (I think Annika posted it - if so, thank you!) . It looks like it might be freezable, so I can make it Saturday, take it out my parents' Sunday and put it in their freezer so I don't have to travel with it for two days.

Christmas is my favorite holiday, and I'm trying my hardest not to ruin it by being sad about what I don't have. I've been much better about being appreciative of what I *do* have, and feel more at peace because of it. I admit, it does help that the hormones have settled down. That medication just wreaks havoc with my emotions.

Tonight, I think Joe wants to watch Christmas specials. I'm going to try and finish up making my pecan rolls, as well. Just need the work day to end, and then Christmas Vacation!

One of the Bad Days

So much for trying to post every day. It seems like I only feel the need to post when I'm emotionally overwhelmed. I suppose that's all right; it is my blog after all, and I use it how I need to use it. I just thought it would be nice if I could post some happy things once in a while.

I'm upset again over trying to concieve. A year ago tomorrow we found out I was pregnant. I was on the exact same course as last year; if I conceived this month, the due dates would have been the same. I was so torn this about the possibility of doing everything exactly one year later and now that I know that's not a possiblity, I realize I wasn't torn at all.

I recently read a description of the grief of infertility. With normal grief, you lose your loved one, and you *know* they're never coming back. With infertility, the cycle is never ending, never healing: every month you hope, and every month you're disappointed and you grieve your dream. I grieve the baby I lost and the baby that will never be, every month. I try to temper the hope to mitigate the disappointment, but it's never enough.

The grief is normal in that some days are better than others. This is just one of the bad days.