Photo credit: Mom

What a storm! It started late Saturday afternoon, and it was somewhat amusing watching the pedestrians fall and slide on the sidewalk from the windows. By the time I left work, it had started snowing, which made the going much easier for me. It was a pretty exciting evening, weather-wise. The sky was almost blue from the light reflecting off the clouds and the ice. I desperately wanted to take a picture of my neighbor's tree, which was bent nearly half over from the weight of the ice, but all that would show up on my camera was the sleet, and it was upright again by Sunday morning. The weather was so bad, they canceled church. I was flabbergasted! I've never, ever, in my whole life heard of church being canceled.

There are tree branches down all over, probably a few trees, as well. Not too much damage around my house, though the shoveling was a real chore. It was soooo heavy! It was basically shoveling slush, and I could only get a relative little bit on my shovel at a time. As it was, my legs got a great workout from the squatting and lifting. A lot people lost power, too, though I didn't. Some people still don't have power. I just got a day off, got my house cleaned and a bunch of TV watched. I'm still two weeks, behind, though.

My sister is writing her story for MS Awareness Week. She'll be relating this in an experience tent, and it will probably eventually go on the Face of MS website. She's posted her story on her blog, and would probably appreciate some feedback on flow, clarity, etc. I'm a little too close to be objective.

There are two of us in our office who are rather jumpy. If someone shows up where I don't expect them to be, or someone starts talking to me before I know they're there, I start. I jump, I breathe in sharply, or I scream. Laneune is the same way, which makes us easy targets for the office practical jokers.

We did it to ourselves a few minutes ago. I went to open the door from the back hall into the office, and Laneune went to open the door from the office into the back hall, and we both scared each other silly, complete with screaming that could rival Jamie Lee Curtis. What an uproar. My heart is still beating fast.

I've been finding lately that the things I need out of a friendship aren't necessarily the things the other people need out of a friendship. The disconnect is a little jarring, actually. I've been coming off as distant, when I've just been what I want out of a friend. I guess I've just assumed that if we're friends, we both want the same thing out of the relationship. This is the second person with which this has happened, and I'm wondering how many other people I've alienated, but they just didn't care as much to say something.

I don't know if this is just what I naturally am, or because that's what I've learned to be. Was I bullied because I was alienating, or am I alienating because I was bullied? There's anti-bullying legislation in the Iowa House right now, and it makes me wonder if things could have been different. If I'd had a way to tell someone what was happening to me. If someone had bothered to ask the right questions, would I have been able to answer them? I remember lying once to the doctor when I went because I was throwing up every day before school. "Is something bothering you at school?" "No." Part of it was in my head, I know. By then. By that time, I know I was seeing antipathy where there was only apathy because I was looking for it. So I lied. No one else had ever asked.

It doesn't matter now. I've long since come to terms, but it still shapes who I am. I certainly care if I hurt someone I care about, especially unintentionally. Is a friendship really a friendship if you have to change for them? If I don't want to change, does that make me a bad friend? Or are they bad friends for expecting me to be someone I'm not for them? There are probably no right or wrong answers, or at least as many answers as there are situations.

Since my audit got snowed out (my colleagues from Cedar Rapids didn't want to drive down. I don't blame them, the weather was pretty crappy, but the weather was pretty crappy BEFORE 8:00 a.m. when they called), I decided to go downstairs and get a mocha. As I was waiting for them to make it, this guy sidles up to me, and stands right next to me, completely invading my personal space. I take a step over, and he steps right next to me again, and says, "Quite a bit of snow we're getting" and I'm a little creeped out, because of the PERSONAL SPACE INVASION, but I try to be polite, and answer, "Yeah, I'm not looking forward to shoveling later." I look over at him and he's definitely creepy and I'm wondering what he would do if I took another step when he asks, "Do you think February is colder than December?" I warily say, "This year? Definitely." Thank goodness my mocha was up then, and I beat the hell out of there. Creep me out!

February 12 of 12


7:33 a.m. We're out on an audit today and can't get to their office until 8:00, so I got to sleep in. Yay! And much needed, because I'm still getting over this stupid cold. I was feeling skinny today - it's amazing what losing five pounds and a flattering outfit will do for you. Mom bought me this outfit for Christmas; I tried it on at a CATO while out shopping with Mom and Em, and all their sizes were too big, so Mom tracked down the right ones and gave them to me for Christmas.


7:52 a.m. I've got time before I have to be there, so let's do some errands on the way to the audit. Here's me paying my cable/internet bill. Damn you and your addictive products, Mediacom!


7:56 a.m. Dropping off my library book. No more library until you catch up on your magazines, Amanda! I'm only a couple weeks behind on US News, but I'm six months behind in Discover. I still have to read all the Pluto coverage!


7:59 a.m. Gas and a fake cappucino at the Kum and Go. (They sell t-shirts, and pretend they don't know why they're so popular.) $2.19 a gallon. Wasn't it just at $2.08? I knew I should have gotten gas last week. But any day I pay less than $40 for a tank of gas is a good day.


8:15 a.m. Here we are! You can't see the name of the client, right? Although I suppose my Iowa City readers know who this is. This used to be SE Junior High, I think, before they built the new building.



8:35 a.m. The windowless, windowless room we're working in. Yes, those are our boxes to look through, but hopefully not a whole lot. Look like a former school to you? And so much for meeting my colleagues at 8:15. I have charge hours to fill, people!


5:07 p.m. On my way back to the office. Isn't it supposed to be snowing now? We're supposed to get five inches tonight.


5:16 p.m. My home away from home.


8:09 p.m. Testing out my night settings from the parking garage on my way home. I don't think it "exposes" as long as I was expecting. If you know what you're looking for, you can see the twin dorms of Rienow and Slater. Or Slater and Rienow. I never remember which is which.


8:17 p.m. I love that sight! A little box of love from Amazon.com.


8:24 p.m. All things I don't have time for, but want anyway. The extras on the Hellboy DVD look awesome. I can't wait. I watched this on the Cartoon Network, but haven't read the Animated comic books that go with. That reminds me, I haven't picked up my pull list this month. I should ask if the animated book is any good.


9:05 p.m. I have been OBSESSED with grilled cheese sandwiches lately. Look at it! Wouldn't you be? That's some good stuff right there.

P.S. This is my 500th post.

I am sitting in my office at 7:30 on a Saturday night. One of the lights in my office blew a fuse earlier this afternoon, so it's a little dimmer than usual, which is making me melancholy. Or I was melancholy before and now the lighting matches my mood. Most likely the former. I hate feeling like this. I was finally feeling content. It always happens like this, though. As soon as I start feeling like I could be happy with my life like it is, something happens to make me remember what I'm missing out on. It's crap, is what it is. Whoever it is messing with me, cut it out! I have a good life! Quit making me hate it!

I was touched by this essay on grief, written for This I Believe, A Way to Honor Life.

When Grandpa died, I hadn't yet learned the importance of the process of grief. I thought that being strong meant not crying, being happy he was no longer in pain, and ignoring my pain. I was like that for a lot of the loss in my life; not necessarily death, but loss. I tried not to grieve and it took it's toll on my emotional and physical well-being. I know better know.

Now I know the importance of crying, of taking that box of tissues to bed and purging my pain in big crocodile tears and hiccup-y wails and snot dripping from my nose. I feel better after I cry, more ready to accept the loss. It makes the condolences easier to accept, platitudes are no longer platitudes, and moving on doesn't seem so impossible anymore.

I like the idea that that kind of grief is like honoring the dead, that they were so important to you that they're worth such a gut-wrenching response. I cry more often now than I used to. Not always the gross, body-fluid spewing crying, but pain-lessening crying, nonetheless. I now honor my losses, no matter how big or how small. It's been better that way.

You know your impending audit is not going to go well when their treasurer asks you, "What's a trial balance?"

This is what I get for watching American Idol before bed:

I dreamt last night that I tried out for American Idol and made it to Hollywood. There was a little running around the hotel with my group members, practicing our song and choreography. We sucked, and I knew I wasn't going to make the cut, especially since one of our members was out drinking and wasn't coming to practice. During auditions, I was hanging out behind the judges' table, helping organize things while I was waiting for our turn. Simon Cowell was so impressed with how smoothly things were going with my help, he offered me a job as his assistant. I looked at him and said, "An internship? I'm a 28-year-old CPA, you can't afford my salary!" I must have taken the job anyway, because next thing I know, I'm running around trying to find a Dr. Pepper for Simon. Whatever town the auditions were held in had some kind of weird law against normal cups, because every store I went to had tiny, misshapen fountain drink cups, and no one carried Dr. Pepper in a 20 oz. bottle.

IT Guy found out Wednesday that his Reserve unit is being deployed to Iraq.